Breaking The Cycle of Comparison

This is Shirene Gentry with the Identity Unveiled podcast. Welcome to #3. On the last episode, I spoke about the potentially dangerous dilemma if our motivations for comparison are channeled in the wrong way.

Dr. Caroline Leaf, in her book, The Perfect You, writes that “When you read about someone else’s accomplishments and adopt their road map, their blueprint for identity, as your own, you will limit where your Perfect You can take you” (p. 36).

Now, of course, none of us our perfect. The premise of her book is for each one-of-a-kind human to grab hold of their unique humanness.  To become the Perfect You, that requires, according to Leaf, to look at how we each think, feel, and choose.

Furthermore, she indicates that the reason this is vital is because the Perfect You is actually a reflection God, out of which “springs your identity and your purpose as a steward of his creation and glory” (p. 37).

She goes on to say that “You cannot grow into your God-ordained self if your Perfect You is blocked” (p. 37).

I will go so far as to say that comparison is the ultimate blocker and hindrance from any person truly getting to know themselves.

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Years ago, Rick Warren wrote a world-wide best seller, The Purpose Driven Life.

He begins chapter 5 with a powerful sentence:

The way you see your life shapes your life (p. 41).

Warren also writes that “None of us have given God the full glory he deserves from our lives. This is the worst sin and the biggest mistake we can make. On the other hand, living for God’s glory is the greatest achievement we can accomplish with our lives” (p. 55).

My opinion is that when we start walking in the identity that God gives us and wants for us, we will no longer embrace the game of comparison. It may take some hard, internal work, but part of accepting who we are and whose we are involves the hard acknowledgment that everything in our life is meant to display his glory in our lives.

I didn’t always feel this way. In fact, well into adulthood, I didn’t accept many components about my upbringing, how I had been parented, and the rather shallow relationships I had with my family of origin.

So I’ve had to cover many bases and unearth all kinds of emotion and beliefs to get to a good, healthy place.

The result has been this: total and complete acceptance for who I am. This includes my physical appearance, my life experiences, and the internal changes I’ve had to make.

To be in acceptance of who you are is how you bring enjoyment to God.

Warren goes on to write, “You don’t bring glory or pleasure to God by hiding your abilities or by trying to be somebody else. You only bring him enjoyment by being you” (p. 75).

So how do you do this?

Another well-known author has written, “Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift”…

He goes on to say, “Without gratitude, our lives degenerate into envy, dissatisfaction, and complaints, taking what we have for granted and always wanting more” (p. 149).

Discontentment grows from seeds of comparison.

So how do we uproot the seeds of comparison?

Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, wrote in her book entitled Positivity, that gratitude requires that you “notice the gifts that surround you” (p. 210).

What if you applied this concept when you looked in the mirror?

Seriously. What is the first thing we women tend to do when we look in a mirror?

By default, we stare at what we don’t like about ourselves. What would it look like to learn a new habit and begin to focus on what you DO like?

According to Fredrickson, the magic ration for healthy thinking – per her scientific research – is >3 to 1. What if you applied this concept to how you literally view yourself?

Try it. Start a new behavior on focusing what you do like. If 3 traits seem unrealistic, start with just 1. Yes, you can. Here’s the beauty, start with what seems realistic and then grow from there.

We know that there are apps to change a body in a photo before it’s posted.

We know that are is a real thing called Facebook Depression.

We know that are is a real thing called Instagram Depression.

While we highlight what we don’t like about ourselves, we highlight what you think is perfect about everyone else.

Here are two other things to consider when comparing your physical self to someone else:

1. Focus on what you do like, as mentioned before…
2. Wear clothes that fit and compliment your body type instead of what’s trendy.
3. Get a make-over. Learn to work with what you’ve got!
4. Find the right tools. For me, this includes hair products to fight against what DNA gave me.

Here’s the point of today’s podcast:

Once you begin to be grateful in even a small area, you will see how this habit of gratitude can spill over into other areas of your life, too.

In conjunction with how we become grateful for certain things, I write about this particular example in my book.

I used to hate my height. Growing up, I was almost always on the back row for any school or church performance. My friends were all shorter than I was. Middle school was the worst because I was a head taller than most of the guys in my class. My mom and grandmother were constantly telling me to stand up tall and keep my shoulders back. Wearing heels wasn’t even an option back then.

Fast forward to the summer before I got married, I was hit by a car as a pedestrian. What saved me was that my height allowed me take a ride on the hood of a car instead of it knocking me down when impact occurred.

I’ve never complained since learning that hard life lesson. And today? Well, I buy shoes if I like them, no matter the heel height.

Start today, dear ladies. You’re your own worst critic. Stop looking at photos or social media as a means of comparing yourself to others. Do what’s best for you and show gratitude for those physical traits you DO like. Find them and then focus on them!