ARE YOU THE FRIEND YOU NEED?

ARE YOU THE FRIEND YOU NEED?

This is Shirene with the Identity Unveiled book and podcast. I’ve done a previous podcast about levels of friendship, but I wanted to zero in today on those people when you’re in hardship or crisis.

Let’s start broadly and then specifically.

First, Galatians 5:14 tells us to “love your neighbor as yourself”. 

Proverbs 3:27 and 28 tell us to “not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. Do not say to your neighbor, “Come back later; I’ll give it tomorrow” – when you now have it with you.”

I would like to use these verses as a backdrop to what we need during times of crisis. It’s also a guide and tool for what we need when we are going through hard times.

What do these special people do in your life that looks different from all the others? What sets them apart? I’ll be sharing responses from my unofficial Facebook poll. What was interesting is that the responses provided an incredible dovetail to what Scripture says. 

Before we discuss this further, I’d like to throw out a quick, life coaching question that is taken from a Domain Satisfaction Scale: On a scale of 1 to 7, with 1 being totally dissatisfied and 7 being totally satisfied, how would you rate your friendships? Be honest. Are you satisfied with your friendships right now? One thing to consider is this: Are you being the friend to others that YOU need? I’ll share points to consider and perhaps you can identify where you need to change.

Also, what does this have to do with identity? A lot! Each of us, in our personal life stories, are going to have milestones – good and bad – that affect our storyline. To this day, I know who those people were who were present, physically and emotionally, in my times of sadness and even crisis.

I was talking about this very topic with one of my adult children over the weekend. Seasons of life change, yes, and with that, friendships flow in and out of our lives, yes. Think to the past and even to the present. What do these special people do that set them apart? These people don’t necessarily need to be in your age bracket. Allow me to explain.

I’d like to share one example from a personal experience: Colonel Sinko, a military friend whose friendship with my father went further back than my birth. In ways that only God could orchestrate, he reached out to me during the last year of my father’s life. To this day, I have a 3 ring binder filled with daily – yes, daily! – emails he sent. He offered advice for navigating military bureaucracy in my ability as POA to take care of my father as well as being an emotional sounding board for a period of time that I was falling apart with two parents needing care. Everyone needs a Colonel Sinko in their life. Not only do we need someone like that, are WE that person to others? What made him unique during this milestone in my life?

[I’d love to invite you to listen to my last podcast on Milestones & Memories. For those milestones in our lives – good and not so good – we also have those people who were part of our lives – or not – during those memories that have become milestones in our life journey and story.]

Let’s break this down into two parts. 

First, what do we look for in a friend when we have a life trial?

Here’s what you shared, and I’ll also be sharing the ‘flip side’ to each talking point:

Rule of Seven

• Initiation
• Action
• Provision
• Attention
• Passion
• Intention
• Intercession

A brief point for each deserves mention:

Initiation

Don’t wait for the person who is hurting to initiate during their time of stress or duress! 

Secondly, don’t avoid. Have you known someone who is going through something devastating? Maybe you’re not close enough to the person – an outer rung person who is more of an acquaintance – so it’s fair for you to stand back and not be intrusive because the dynamic of your relationship doesn’t warrant intrusion into something extremely personal.

If you are close to that person, don’t avoid and don’t wait for them to initiate. It’s all they can do to get through the day.

[Initiation, not avoidance]

Action

Good friends simply act. Scripture tells us “Whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone” (Galatians 6:10).

Inaction says, “Let me know what you need.” In my unofficial poll, several comments indicated that in times of duress, the hurting person doesn’t even know what they need, so for them to share what they do need is actually an unrealistic expectation.

[Action, not inaction]

Provision

This ties in with action. Provide what you think what would touch them. Think to yourself – since you know them well – what do you think a practical provision would be? Is their love language physical touch? Guess what? They need a hug with no words attached. Is their love language acts of service? Take them a meal. Mow the lawn. Pet sit their fur baby. How about an invitation over to your home for them to simply sit and share a cup of coffee?

Provision can come in tangible and intangible shapes and sizes.

[Provision, not *just* praying] Don’t let your time of prayer delay an immediate need.

Attention

This is crucial! You can never microwave friendship. It takes time. Most importantly, show up!

Have you ever had a friend abandon you in a time of need? I have. It’s awful. Not only are you in a time of stress, but then it becomes complicated with the loss of a friendship. Remember: this says more about them than it does about your situation. Grieve as needed and keep moving forward with the people who DO show up.

Attention means you give full body attention when you’re with them. Words are only 8-10% of what’s communicated. Most of the time, hurting people don’t need words as much as they need focused attention. Specifically, this means body language that speaks louder than words. Don’t check your phone. Keep your eyes looking at theirs. Don’t do tasks while they are trying to talk. 

Attention means that you also listen. You do not need to have answers. Perhaps there are none! Just listen. The hurting person may only be able to process their pain in the moment. They don’t need commentary or judgment.

Case in point: Think of Job’s friends in his time of loss.

[Attention, not distraction]

Passion

Quick question: When you hear of someone’s hardship, how do you default in your thinking? Legit question. Do you first think, “Well, I’m not surprised. They should have seen this coming.” “They should have done thus and so.” 

As gently as I can possibly share this, listen carefully: Until you have been in the same exact situation, you should pass no judgment. You don’t have all the facts, you only think you do. 

Every hurting friend is also an opportunity to learn – yes, learn – empathy. Empathy is a learned skill. Pull yourself out of yourself and place yourself in their situation. The more you do this, the easier it becomes. 

Perhaps your friend does need to learn something through this situation. Guess what? Leave it up to the Holy Spirit to lead and guide. You aren’t the Holy Spirit in their life. Some lessons are self taught. Yes, there are exceptions to this rule, so if your relationship is a close one to the person who is hurting, go get some good counsel on how to respond in their situation.

Galatians 5:14 as a reminder….  “love your neighbor as yourself”.

Would you treat yourself the way you are treating them in your thoughts? 

[Passion, not judgment]

Intention

In short, check in! In today’s world with smart phones, there’s no excuse not to at least check in. Send a text. Make a call. Send an email. Write a note. Stop what you’re doing, if you can, and make it a point to think of someone else in their time of crisis.

People remember who shows up for them or are touching base with them in a time of loss, grief, pain, or crisis.

Listen carefully: this is the legacy you leave behind! If you want to express love, you better do it today. None of us are guaranteed one single day past the one you’re in.

Here’s a simple life coaching tool to get you started: Start asking yourself every morning upon waking up or getting ready for your day, “God, how can I love you better?” “How can I love others better?”

[Intention, not routine]

Intercession

You can’t be judgmental and prayerful at the same time. Your head space can either do one or the other. It’s also like worry and faith. One dominates and takes over.

You may not even know the person well or maybe you do. Regardless, pray for them. Would you honestly want to be going through what they are going through? Sometimes I just tell myself, “I can’t even imagine what they are feeling right now.” So pray. Close or far. Pray.

[Intercede, not criticism]

Today in my quiet time I read a verse and stopped to meditate on it. Here it is: Jesus is speaking in John 15:15b and 17b….. “I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you….This is my command: Love each other.”

Here’s my second point: What is God teaching you in your relationship with Him that allows you to love others better?

“Everything I learned from my father I have made known to you.”

What have you learned about God, through your friendship with Him, that you can then share with your friend in need? Look at the result – verse 16 says “….. I appointed you to bear fruit – fruit that will last”.

Are you life giving or imparting something that will return in abundance to your friend? Are you planting seeds that can yield an eventual harvest for them or are you simply pruning them and digging up dirt? You can’t abide in God and abandon your closest friends. Thus the command: Love each other.  

I love one comment that I received: Space and Grace to heal. Isn’t this what God does with us? He always accepts us where we are in our life story. When we approach his throne with confidence, what happens? He gives us mercy and grace in our time of need.

People offer grace who know what it feels like to receive it. If we have received it from God – and we will if we approach Him – then we know the salve to the soul moment. We are then able to do this with others.

So if we are learning who He is to US, why shouldn’t we then be that person to others?

Are you loving well?

I’d like to close with two takeaways for you to hopefully remember:

• People over Projects
• Giving Up [your schedule and sacrificing as needed] over Google 

Busyness is the enemy of close relationships. Let it never be said we put our time into busyness instead of a time when we need to touch others. This – not your wealth, not your likes, not your name on a plaque, not a building being named in your honor or memory – is your legacy. Love is your legacy.

Do you love well? When it’s all said and done, that’s all that matters.

Choose well. The choice is yours.

Be that friend, my friend.