DISAPPOINTMENTS: DISSIPATE OR DETONATE?

DISAPPOINTMENTS: DISSIPATE OR DETONATE?

Hello Everyone. This is Shirene Gentry with the Identity Unveiled podcast.

Today’s podcast is a unique blend of my grandmother’s backstory and well as life coaching content that allows you to ponder these crucial questions:

What happens in our lives and to our identity when disappointments detonate?  How is it that some disappointments dissipate while others blow up? What happens that sways the pendulum to swing in either of these directions? 

I’m referring to those life circumstances that, for whatever reason, occur that blindside you – those unexpected and negative events that perhaps you didn’t see coming. Disappointments can come in many shapes and sizes. But the crucial question is how these things can detonate with a fallout that augments, develops, and intensifies into our sense of self and life. What takes place that these disappointments mushroom into every facet of your being and, before we realize it, they darken and dominate your daily existence? 

What is the destructive downslide of disappointments when they take on a life of their own? 

We experience this unexpected occurrence, whatever that may be. Remember, disappointments come in many shapes, sizes, regardless of our life’s season.

In all begins with an unexpected hurt that affects our heart and our mind. The challenge is that we don’t want to slide into discouragement or even despair. So, how does that happen and what do we do about it?

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First, I’d like to step back into time as I tell a small portion of my adopted grandmother’s story. Let’s go back for a full century. Zelia William Staton was born in 1903 in Amherst County, Virginia. As I sift through photographs showing her as a very young woman on her family farm in Amherst County, I see her smile as she poses with friends, her older sisters, and even those young men who would come to court her. For reasons still not known, grandma met a man 7 years her senior who apparently swept her off her feet. He was indeed considered tall, dark, and handsome. The year was 1924 – having newly turned 20 years old – when my grandmother eloped with this former locomotive fireman, Sherman Edward McClellan. 

My mother was born to the marriage two months shy of their first anniversary. 

It only took one week for my grandmother to learn that her groom had deceived her. He had told her that he had been married once before their marriage. A neighbor informed my grandmother that he had previously been married twice. I wonder how long they dated and what he chose to disclose in that period of time. 

Did she even knew he had enlisted and been discharged within months apart in 1918? At the time of discharge, Sherman was married and had his physical condition of triper documented on his honorable discharge (if you’re curious as to this, google it).

The newlywed years consisted of this young family traveling through WVA, Ohio, KY, VA, TN, and NC due to Sherman’s occupation as a clothing salesman. This, however, was only one of the challenges. What my grandmother didn’t know prior to their marriage was that Sherman had a spending addiction which subsequently resulted in the gambling away of her diamond ring, family loans, inherited personal property such as silver given to them by my grandmother’s side of the family. At the time of abandonment and desertion, he was a professional poker player.

In 1930 – only 5 years since their marriage – he decided to leave my grandmother and mother abandoned in Asheville, NC with back board due in the amount of 97.00 with no financial means for the two of them to return to family – specifically, to her oldest sister’s home – in Farmville, Virginia.

I only became aware of the details of Sherman’s irresponsibility and negligence as I read my grandmother’s 1932 deposition where the words she spoke were recorded and came alive as they lifted off the page for me to hear her heartbreaking story only three years ago.

She never uttered a word to me. That’s a red flag, whether that’s true of your life narrative or someone in your family. Let me make a distinction here: I’m specifically talking about the secrets of a generation within the context of a family, not with sordid details shared with just anyone. The dynamic of a relationships matters, whether it’s a parent, child, close family friend, etc.

Here’s one concept I’d like you to know and hold on to:

If you can’t share your story, you haven’t made peace with your backstory.

So what happened in all of that time after Sherman’s abandonment?

Grandma began to perceive the image of herself as a reflection of Sherman’s actions. Here are the negative labels she assumed due to his actions:

• Divorcée  (cutout in scrapbook)
• Unwanted
• Failure
• Not good enough

I propose the following progression when our experience eventually gets intertwined into who we think we are – our identity as seen through a self lens that God never intends for us to look through:

Life > Loss > Loss Interpreted as a Lie > Label > Identity

Before we know it, we have assumed our experience as our identity when it is only meant to be your experience and not more than that. The mode through which this occurs is what is known as self-talk, the counseling topic that refers to the internal dialogue we have with ourselves that no one else hears. 

If we do not talk to ourselves with the truth of what God says about us, then, by default, we will either interpret our life negatively through the wrongful actions against us by others or our own internal, critical inner voice.

This can apply for any unexpected and traumatic life experience. 

Who we are is separate and apart from our experience. 

My sweet grandmother was unable to separate her experience from who she thought she was. The result? Never sharing this part of her story. 

Shame is the veil that wraps itself around your heart and your mind’s eye keeping you from seeing your life clearly. She felt guilty even though she committed no wrongdoing. Perhaps this was also the stigma during the 1930s. Divorce wasn’t heard of! 

Your experience was never meant to define you.

What is the next step?

 When disappointments come – and they will – it is paramount how you talk to yourself about those painful things in life that happen to us at the hands of someone else.

The challenge is to intentionally separate your worth, your value, and your identity from those things that for some explained or unexplained reason God’s sovereignty allows to touch your life. Perhaps it’s not what has touched your life by another person’s actions, but perhaps your own actions. 

If your life choices have negatively impacted others’ lives, consider the following:

1. Admit wrongdoing.
2. Apologize.
3. Reconciliation may or may not be feasible. Trust is never automatic; it is earned. Forgiveness and reconciliation do not necessarily go hand in hand, and it takes two people for reconciliation to occur.

If you are the party who has been wronged – like my grandmother – you are left to walk through the process of forgiveness in addition to intentionally focusing on who God says you are in HIS eyes – chosen, worthy, valued, loved. 

These labels that God has given you far outweigh any negative label man can give you! You must grab hold of who He says you are instead of how you interpret what you think someone else has labeled you! Watch how you talk to yourself about yourself! 

As you process disappointment, please pay attention to your self dialogue and challenge it with every ounce of truth you can find in Scripture that dissipates any self made negative labels! This is an ongoing, cognitive task. 

Could it possibly be that God wants to use this disappointment to be the pivot point for you to KNOW, once and for all, who HE says you are? Perhaps you haven’t taken hold of that until now.

Here is the life coaching question:

How or what do you do with your disappointments so they don’t slide into discouragement or despair?

Consider these life tools:

1. Wallow. Yes. Go ahead. Be disappointed in the moment. Give yourself a green light to acknowledge your feelings right now. Don’t ignore your disappointment. If the disappointment completely blindsides you, I always recommend good counseling for you to process what has occurred.
2. Write. This is known as a “free write”. Be specific about what you’re disappointed and distressed about. Be on guard that your feelings of disappointment give way to stronger emotions of discouragement. Journaling what has occurred actually “displaces” this occurrence from your brain to the paper so you don’t continually focus on it. This is an especially helpful tool if you are having a hard time falling asleep at night. Writing before turning out the lights assists in preparing your brain to calm down and decompress before sleep.
3. Width. Width of time. Put a boundary of time around your disappointment. If I have a self-imposed pity party, I put a boundary of time around it. Again, if it’s a major life stressor, however, this may need to be addressed with counsel.
4. Warm Boot. Start over. Once you’ve put a boundary of time of wallowing in your disappointment, start over. Make sure you get proper sleep. This can give way to proper perspective. Do your best to intentionally look objectively at your situation. Perspective can keep you from sliding down the continuum to discouragement and despair. Lack of sleep a major deterrent in seeing your situation in proper perspective.

Here is another life coaching question:

How can you turn your negative emotion of disappointment into the positive emotion of determination?

The goal is for you to take one step of courage in your discouragement. If you are currently discouraged about something in your life right now, how can you take one realistic step that encourages you?

The beauty of courage is that with each step you take, you increase your confidence in and within your circumstance.

On my next episode in this series on identity, I will discuss how we respond or react to life’s disappointment – those outward behaviors to which we attach when disappointment, discouragement, and despair seem to win out. How, what, and to whom we choose is crucial as we live out our lives. In the case of my family of origin, how they learned and subsequently dealt with disappointment continued for decades. The goal is to respond and react well in that crucial and critical fork in the road after disappointment comes our way. 

The future questions we will address are the following:

1. What do we choose to do with our disappointments?
2. How do we find our worth and value if we perceive those have been threatened?
3. How do we cope with those times of devastation?
4. Where is God in it all?

We will address this next time. Join me, will you?

Don’t forget. Whatever you’re going through, you’re a daughter and son of the King of Kings. Regardless of what comes your way in life, you can get up, get going, and be determined to move forward.

Although you may have many unanswered questions as you currently navigate a current disappointment, you can be assured of this: God always holds you in the palm of his hand, he cares, and he sees your future when you cannot. Trust him with what you don’t currently see or understand. 

Allow yourself to have a positive takeaway from a negative experience. And know above all that WHO you are is not threatened. You are loved, chosen, and valued. You are not alone. May you feel God in a new and fresh way in a difficult season.

Until next time, this is Shirene Gentry with the Identity Unveiled podcast.