MEMORIES & MILESTONES

MEMORIES & MILESTONES

This week we celebrated a milestone – Memorial Day. For many, it’s not a day of celebration. What can be a day of celebration for so many of us, can also be a devastatingly time of loss for others.

So the life coaching questions become….

What milestones do you have?

Are there significant dates? Significant events?

When you remember, is it a good thing or not?

What do you do with your memories?

In this podcast, I would like to share a life coaching tool called mapping. Specifically, it’s a way to create a visual map, if you will, about your life journey as well as assessing or evaluating your beliefs associated with particular life events.

If you have experienced trauma or have been diagnosed with PTSD, please seek out treatment with a licensed therapist who has training in EMDR, a well-known intervention for any kind of memory that has caused distress.

For me, May 19 is significant, in positive and not so positive ways. There are other significant events in my timeline, of course, but for the purpose of this podcast, I’ll share about the importance of May 19.

I discovered on Memorial Day that on this date in 1942, my father enlisted in the army. He was 24 years old. It’s also the date of my mother’s birthday. He enlisted on the same day she turned 17. To this day, it still astonishes me how their life paths crossed in a bar in Arlington, VA which changed the trajectory of my life course. 

If you have not read my life story, I’d like to highly recommend my book Identity Unveiled, available on Amazon.

Don’t think for one minute that God doesn’t use actions of all men for His will to be accomplished. He absolutely does.

Going back to the significance of May 19, I prayed on this date in 2002 – on my mom’s first birthday after her passing – which became an invitation by God to begin an inner work in my heart and mind. I did so at my church altar.

A year ago, on May 19, not only did I launch my podcast, but I was also struck by a tree while driving. 

As you can see, May 19 is significant not only to my parents, but to me as well. 

How or what does God use in your life to represent certain times in your life story and journey as reminders of how far you’ve come? Is it specific dates? Is it certain places? Is it special people? Or perhaps you have a literal object that symbolizes an event in your life and story. How does He do it?

Regardless of those things in your life that have been hard, disappointing, or even devastating, let me share this promise with you: 

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ….No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us” (Romans 8:35, 37). 

The second part of my book is dedicated to your belief system about God. When troubles come – and they will – Who you believe God to be in the midst of them is crucial. Do you think or perceive him to be distant? Cruel? Uncaring? If so, I challenge you to change your belief system by filtering your thoughts with truth about what Scripture says about Him in your time of pain.

Returning to the concept of altars, the Israelites used unhewn stones for building altars. They would often heap the stones to commemorate a great spiritual event or encounter with God.

Let’s take a second to think about the unhewn stones – unpolished, rough stones. This is symbolic! They represent, I believe, our unfinished lives. Visual reminders that commemorate our memories of where we used to be. What used to be. A spiritual milestone and mile marker, if you will, on our individual life journey. 

Why is it important to remember? I hear people say to forget the past. We can’t. From a neurological standpoint – unless our memories are so traumatic that we have blocked out certain events – our brains don’t allow us to do that.

Why is the aforementioned verse important? You need to cling to the promise that trouble, hardship, or anything we face in life does not distance us from God caring for us through it all. 

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I’d like to incorporate a life coaching tool for you to consider when you have an opportunity to think and be reflective. This is my version of a life map with some changes, so I’ll call it “Milestone Mapping”.

You simply take a large sheet of paper and list in chronological fashion -from birth to present – a single line used to represent a spiritual sojourn. You can break the line into years or decades, and then fill in events along the path. Or perhaps, like me, you recall certain dates that have become milestones. 

You can include significant events of all kinds, both positive and negative. 

The goal is first to depict all of the events that are significant in your life timeline. Trials and hardships encountered on the journey should be highlighted as well as ways that you have coped – good or not – with that particular life event. 

Be creative. You can draw mountains, valleys, clouds, or anything that metaphorically represents that period of time in your life.

Understand there’s no right or wrong way of doing this. This is simply a visual, life coaching tool that tells your story.

What is the goal of this assessment? For you to examine the framework by which you interpret your world, your story. The framework is simply your beliefs about your life, your story, and your experiences. 

Allow me to give you a step by step:

1. Draw the lines, valleys, mountains.
2. Perhaps drawing dates or events is your first step. 
3. Begin with anything you recall or remember that had an impact on you. If you are too young to remember the date, then perhaps your age or other events occurring during that period of time.
4. List the positive events.
5. List the negative events.

Take some time or step away from this assignment. Return to it as needed.

6. Return to and reflect on the events you listed or drew on your

map.

7.  Now take a look at your timeline again. How did you cope with these events?

8. What is your current takeaway from that life event? This is crucial for you to be specific about your current beliefs! Why? Because this is how you are interpreting these life events. 

You may need to take another break at this point. 

9. Return to your takeaways or beliefs. You can also label these comments as perceptions or assumptions as well.

10. Mark or underline the beliefs that are cynical. Have you made generalizations? Is there a current belief you believe to be true, but IS it, really?

Now take a separate sheet of paper or list off to the side, write these things down – themes, patterns, beliefs, takeaways from life events – good or bad – and see what emerges. Do your current beliefs grounded in actual truth or your perceived truth? Have you been able to look at these events and have a silver lining takeaway?

What has been the silver lining in a very dark cloud or life storm? Perhaps this experience allows you to have empathy. Perhaps this experience allows you to live each day with grace and gratitude.

Here’s a personal example: I now have friends who are going through challenges in caregiving that I went through over 20 years ago. I’m not thankful for the challenges I was handed in my 30s, but I had takeaways – silver linings – that allow that experience to NOT be wasted. I’m now intentional about friends going through some of the same things I went through. At the time, I remember thinking: “I will never let someone else feel alone while going through this.” This is a healthy takeaway. It propels you forward for purpose, influence, and impact to give others hope.

Silver lining thinking is crucial to your moving forward. It doesn’t change the experience or event.

What if we were to deconstruct silver lining thinking? If we were, it would perhaps look like this:

• Surrender it to God
• “See” it differently
• See what God does with outcome

How many people do you know who have had something in their life that has truly been disappointing at the least and devastating at the most? We all do. How have they walked forward from it? With bitterness? I suggest they have “held” on to it rather than surrendering it. God is responsible for outcome after we have surrendered it and “seen” it differently. 

I tell my clients to have a positive takeaway from a negative event. This is silver lining thinking. What good has actually come from this experience that you never would have gained otherwise?

But let’s be real. There’s a lot in life that we wish wasn’t our lot. We aren’t immune.

11. Is there a way to spiritually reframe that hardship? By altering the meanings that you give or attach to certain events, the significance of the event can be changed. The value is that you can learn to look at your current circumstances through a spiritual lens. Every cloud is an opportunity for a silver lining.

Why would God have allowed certain events in your life? Knowing that nothing can separate you from His care, what do you think He is doing in your life? Or what do you think He wants to do because of this significant event? 

Instead of asking, “Why is this happening to me?”, how about asking, “What am I to learn through this?” or “Why is this happening for me?”

The former question leaves you potentially victimized; the latter one still offers a sense of dominion and confidence in moving forward. 

Victim or Victory?

This can be a turning point by disempowering the old story! By disempowering the old story, you are creating a new chapter from a painful one. Disempowering a story can also change your destination.

Getting back to my personal milestone, the significance of May 19, perhaps for you, you might need an object to be constantly reminded of a significant event in your life.

Why does God not erase our memories?

When I was writing my book, my editor gently shared that I needed to attach emotion to the events. Hmmmmm. That seemed slightly threatening as I really didn’t want to go back and relive the memories I shared. And not all are in the book. 

But there was value in doing this. What was it? My mind’s eye returned to the events I detailed, and that wasn’t pleasant. The revelation in doing so, however, made me realize I had, in fact, come full circle. And that’s exactly why I can share my story. There is no shame, there is no blame. I am restored. I am redeemed.

There’s something in every person’s life that needs to be redeemed. Yes, it takes hard work, but it’s SO worth it. And I’ll even venture out to say that there’s a possibility you may not be living out your life purpose until do the hard things to move forward. This could mean therapy, pastoral care, life coaching, or working through trauma. Depending on your personal messy chapter, it could mean that you seek out a support system and do whatever it takes to move forward. It will no longer have a hold on your heart and your mind.

As I’ve mentioned before, if you don’t or can’t share your life narrative, that speaks volumes. It’s a huge red flag that there’s a piece of the puzzle and your heart that hasn’t been fully restored.

My prayer is that this exercise in life mapping with your personal milestones will be a true sense of enlightenment for you! It’s a great start to moving forward. Reframing your life story is a means to renewing your mind and restoring your heart.

See what the Holy Spirit does with your timeline! 

See what God reveals to you!

Now see how your passions and strengths dovetail with what you’ve learned about yourself, your beliefs, or your new takeaways.

For me, this week, it’s May 19. The day that I used to dread has now become a milestone and a spiritual mile marker. God has redeemed it to make it an incredible day, not a dreaded one.

Why did I used to dread it? For many years, it was hard for me to even pick out a birthday card for my mom. Too many shared sentiments that weren’t in my heart. Not that I’m proud of that. I’m simply speaking authentically and truthfully.

But, as I reveal in my book, God allowed my relationship with her to be restored at the end of her life. It was only after she had passed, that I gained so much more understanding. It’s all in my book.

Memories. Milestones. Mom.

May you be encouraged to delve into your spiritual milestones and see how God wants to uniquely heal your story. Sometimes He does it with the calendar – a yearly remembrance of how far I’ve come. 

Don’t be afraid of your unhewn rocks in your own life. When you look back, when you remember, they are precious reminders of how far you’ve come.

Why not see what He does with your memories and milestones.