MIDDLE AGE & IDENTITY

Podcast

MIDDLE AGE & IDENTITY

This is Shirene Gentry with the Identity Unveiled book and podcast.

I have decided to do a series of what identity is not and thought I would start with this topic. Middle age. I feel like that Capital One commercial that says life comes at you fast.

I honestly have no idea how I got here so fast. Do you feel the same way? King Solomon was right, wasn’t he? 

I’d like today’s focal verse to be 2 Corinthians 4:16: Therefore we do not become discouraged [spiritless, disappointed, or afraid]. Though our outer self is [progressively] wasting away, yet our inner self is being [progressively] renewed day by day (Amplified version).

I would like to use the “biopsychosociospiritual” counseling model as I discuss these four categories – completely Scriptural, by the way – as referring to the parts of our self which makes the whole. This model references the bio – body/physical self; psycho – psychological/emotional self; socio – relationship part of who we are; spiritual – faith journey part of our self which is progressively being sanctified. 

Perfection in any of these categories isn’t possible, so that takes the pressure off! Perfection won’t occur until we reach our heavenly home.

Middle age is not your identity; it simply is your stage in life. Your worth and value are not “tied” to what is going on in this particular season. Does that mean we live in status quo for these categories I’ve mentioned? No! Just to be clear, it’s about prioritizing who you are under the titles that God has given you as His daughter or son, but you still have ownership for your life, which means you take responsibility for doing your part. You can only take responsibility for yourself.

Let’s discuss each category:

• Biological / physical self

If you know my story, consider this: I have no medical history. If you don’t know my story, I’d love for you to pick up a copy of my book Identity Unveiled available on Amazon. It’s a story of deception and discovery in my mid 50s. Shocking, to say the least, about my circumstantial biological origin. 

My healthcare journey has been evolving, transforming, and changing for over thirty years. 

As a teenager in the 1970s, there was no emphasis on nutrition or exercise. College in the early 1980s just meant eat what you want and think nothing of it!

It finally caught up with me early in marriage and I began using the Jane Fonda aerobic step workout on VHS tape. Remember this?

But here’s where I am now, and this is how I want to encourage you with the following questions:

1. What in your medical history is working against you?
2. Are there lifestyle choices that can make a difference?

One thing that I see in my age bracket of peers are friends who say they inherited this or that from their parents. Okay. Some health conditions you absolutely cannot control. But the question I always think of is…. Can this be altered or changed through lifestyle choices? Many times, the answer is yes.

At my age, I cannot control my plummeting hormones. It’s crazy how hormones taking a nose dive can affect so many things – sleep, weight, energy, and the list seems endless.

I am fortunate to go to an integrative medical doctor who has put me back together again from a holistic framework. 

Speaking of doctors, I had an ophthalmology appointment yesterday. For the second time in a calendar year, she was checking for glaucoma. She noticed the size of my optic nerve last year, so she wanted to monitor for changes. 

When I got home I reviewed the stapled packet given at checkout. What caught my attention was the “Problem List” – 12 items from healthcare providers under the same network – totally out of my control regardless of daily, lifestyle choices. It is what it is. Meaning, acceptance, not intentionality.

Here’s my point with my life coaching questions about your health:

3.  What IS in your control? You either know what’s working against you or you don’t – like me – so why wouldn’t you control what you can control?

You can control what you eat, how you move, what exercise you implement, choices like smoking, drinking, and weight.

Takeaway: You may never have the body you had in earlier decades, but what can you do? What IS realistic? I’ve asked my doctor this very question: What is realistic at my age? I encourage you to do the same with your healthcare provider.

If you want to try a faddish product, okay. Perhaps it will work in the short term. I focus on long term sustainability. What used to work for me no longer does. My body has changed, so I need to change up what I do! That goes for what I eat, how much I eat, and how much I stay active or exercise. By the way, activity and exercise are not the same. You need both.

4. How do you need to change up what you are doing for your physical body? 

5. Have you examined your “rules” for this? It would be worth the time and effort to write down and then challenge. 

Perhaps get an accountability partner if needed. 

One last point to consider: If you are currently facing an unfortunate diagnosis that pretty much clouds your daily functioning, please know that this diagnosis is NOT your identity. You may feel like it is, but it is not. It is simply your experience. It is NOT who you are! Your worth and value are tied to the intangible parts of who you are, not the tangible problems with your physical self! 

• Psychological / emotional self

If you were to rate your psychological self, how would you rate it? Are you in more control of your emotions now that you’re middle aged? I find it interesting to see people in my age bracket that haven’t learned to do this yet. It’s never too late! Or the lack of boundaries by sharing waaaaay too much on social media. 

I’m a firm believer in learning how to think anew. Yes, it can be done. You can learn to change the way you interpret what’s happening in your life. Sometimes you have to “redo” thought patterns learned very early in life. Neuroplasticity tells us that we can actually rewire our brains by renewing our thoughts. We can create new neural pathways! Isn’t that amazing??

If you are currently on antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds, I’m by no means telling you to wean yourself! They are prescribed because they work. I want to challenge you to take the time to learn how to reprocess and reprogram your mind! If you do, you will have cognitive tools for the rest of your life. Romans 12:1-2 commands us to be renewed in our minds. Which means it’s up to us to change because God has given us volition and choice to do so! It’s easy to take the road of least resistance, but what would it be like to put in the time and effort to see out counseling or coaching to challenge your beliefs about life and how you interpret it? You don’t need to be a slave to your old habits of thinking! 

You can take ownership for your emotional life regardless of the people or circumstances in your life. Now that you are middle aged, are you bitter or are you better?

Maturity accepts responsibility for self, not what others have or haven’t done. You can certainly take ownership of your thought life regardless of your daily challenges.

If you are middle-aged, don’t blame the time that’s gone by or even family history if YOU can make changes for yourself! It’s never too late to change in any part of your life!

In my suspected biological family, there have been two tragedies with  suspected half-siblings. People could use the argument that depression runs in my DNA. I’m here to say from my personal experience, learning to think anew can be done. This has been my experience. I’m simply encouraging you to see if time and effort works for you as well, with a professional’s guidance and care, of course.

Life coaching question: Rate your emotional health on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being not good at all to 5 being very healthy. How would you rate yourself? What steps can you take to improve your thought life or how you perceive your circumstances?

• Socio / relational self

One of my life coaching assessments is a Domain Satisfaction Scale which asks the client to rate their relationships on a scale of 1 to 7. How would you rate yourself in this category? Be honest. This is just for you!

With your peers? With your adult children? With your co-workers? With your neighbors? With your spouse?

Adult Children

Let’s get specific. If you were to rate your relationship with your adult children, what would your score be? There’s no such thing as perfection as a parent. You will make mistakes. I call my personal bad memory moments “Mom fails”. My grown children know what these are, and I’m glad to say we talk honestly about these now. Some of these things we laugh about, for some I’d like a total redo.

Do you feel as though because you’re the parent you shouldn’t address how you may have done things differently when you look back into time? Does pride keep you from doing so? 

I would encourage you to do the following:

1. Write a blessing letter. Visit www.theblessing.com and obtain resources for building a stronger attachment and relationship with your children. The letter is a three paragraph format: the first paragraph is something specific you love about your child; the second paragraph is encouragement in a current fear or challenge they currently face; the last paragraph is your unconditional love for them.

2.   Have a conversation about how you parented and the “why” behind it. Of 

      course it doesn’t change anything in the past, but it sure gives clarity and

      understanding. It may be eye opening for you both. 

I’m adding this category briefly and will contemplate doing a podcast on the topic / movement of deconstruction. It’s popular enough for there to not only have a twitter presence, but for there to be a term. 

If your children are deconstructing, what would it be like to have a conversation and simply listen? No organization or group gets everything “right”, but can you sit down and critically sift through it all? What is actually backed up with the truth of scripture? What are man-made rules? There certainly is a difference. As the old saying goes, “You don’t have to throw out the baby with the bath water.” Perhaps now, at this point in life, you can discuss this with your adult children.

We have been told: “Train a child in the way he or she should go….” We have done that. Note that this is a proverb, not a promise. You are not responsibility for outcome, only your responsibility in parenting from a set of biblical, not manmade, guidelines. You do the best you can with the time you had. What you cannot control is their perception of it. Perhaps in discussion this can be clarified as well.

If you assume your worth and identity is bound to your children, you may likely fall at one end of the spectrum of pride or the other end of the spectrum of despair. You weren’t supposed to land on the spectrum at all! Your children are not your identity. Don’t live vicariously through their performance. When you set your identity on God and where He says your worth comes from, it takes the pressure off of your children and actually allows them to succeed without unrealistic expectations from you!

Life coaching question: Considering the topics I’ve discussed, which do you think you would like to take action on, if needed? How can you connect emotionally with your adult children? 

Spouse

Now let’s get specific about your spouse. What’s life now like that you are an empty nester? Are you having fun? You should be!

Did you know that the growing segment of divorce is now in my age group? Counseling now has a name for it: “Gray Divorce”. These are the couple whom I suspect let their children consume daily life for 18 years without making the marital relationship a priority. I get it! I’ve been there. It’s hard. I was caregiving, too, while our children were still in the home. Either your children’s schedules or life, in general, can take a toll on a marriage. The goal, even in times of stress, is to stay on the same page and grow through the struggles together instead of apart. Get help if needed!

Or perhaps you have already experienced the loss of your spouse through death?

If this has been your experience, I truly pray you have been able to put the pieces of your life back together. It can be done! Do not lose hope. Do whatever you need to get back on track.

God’s plan covers the life span. He still has a purpose and destiny for YOU to fulfill! 

Whether it’s with your spouse or your ability to thrive without your spouse, are you being intentional? Both take work! A famous talk show therapist always says, “Give what you lack”. Don’t live your life by default and taking the easy road. Put in the time and effort to get on track and not just survive, but to enjoy, this time in your life. Maybe you can become a better listener. Maybe you can become a little more understanding. Maybe you can become more appreciative. Marital relationships ebb and flow. There is always room for growth! 

Life coaching question: How can you take steps of growth toward your spouse?

Others

Are you being intentional with your friendships? I’d love for you to listen to my prior podcasts about this important part of our social network. This, too, takes time to grow and keep growing. Friendships will come and go. That’s okay. I’m so thankful for the friends I do have in the season of life. Safe, trusted, and confidential women. No, I don’t share intimate topics with men. This is a healthy boundary that has more to do with emotional attachment. The only person I’m allowed to be completely honest and vulnerable with is my husband. 

If other people were to describe you in one word, what words would they use? Pleasant? Difficult? Demanding? Impossible? Joyful? Serious? Funny? Smart? How do other people feel after they have been around you? Have you ever thought about that?

It doesn’t matter how smart you are if you don’t treat people well. How can you improve in this area? 

Life coaching question:

What small change could you make in reconnecting instead of repelling?

Spiritual

How would you rate the relationship with your Creator now? This is not about church attendance or involvement on committees.

Do you know God better now than you did earlier in life? Again, it’ never too late! What do you need to do to move closer in relationship with Him? You may “think” He is distant; He is not. You are. Because you have been created with volition, how can you move closer? Perhaps prayer? Perhaps getting to know Him by reading about who He is to you in your season of life? Now is the time to move closer and find out who He really is! 

I wouldn’t go back to the way I used to perceive God in my 20s or 30s for anything in the world! That’s why it’s so important that we know He hasn’t held out on us! This is the second section of my book, which I hope you will read. 

In summary, there are things in life that we absolutely cannot control. There are many things, however, that we can. That is the point of this podcast. Take control over what is within your ability to do so. Stop with blame. Stop with excuses. 

In middle age, be the best version of yourself that you ever have been up to this point. That’s what gives me hope in this season of life! No, I’ll never be perfect, but I can say confidently that I’m the best version thus far. Even with my Problem List!

Are you the best version of yourself now? If not, why not? Why not start today? If you need help in these categories, I’d like to recommend my book Change Unveiled to help with beginning steps toward change in the areas of food, exercise, relationships, and your journey of faith and growth in knowing God better. This is a fun book to use with friends. The chapters are short with several questions for discussion. 

Embrace your midlife status. Value what you’ve been through. Let others know how you’ve changed. Seize the moment with the loved ones in your life. Don’t let pride led to months or decades in not doing your part for relationships. 

Remember: This may be the prime of your life because what you have to offer is valuable to others! Your health depends on it. Your emotional health depends on it. Your relationships depend on it. Your story through your testimony depends on it.

Embrace this season and let your identity show through! It’s a work of the Holy Spirit from the inside out that will surely show through in your confidence and ability to move forward!

Until next time…..