YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT YOUR IDENTITY: LEARN TO PARENT BETTER AT ANY AGE!

YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT YOUR IDENTITY: LEARN TO PARENT BETTER AT ANY AGE!

This is Shirene Gentry with the Identity Unveiled podcast. Today I’m discussing a soapbox of mine – parenting. Please believe me when I say I am no perfect parent. I have fallen short in the past, fall short in the present, and will continue to fall short in the future!

But the focus is and should be, not what it means to be a ‘perfect parent’ because there is no such thing. The only goal and question to be asked is, “How do I parent my children – young, middle, teen, or adult – well?”

Here’s the wonderful news: Regardless of your age or your child’s age, you can learn to do something different now that will not only benefit you and them, but also your relationship with your child.

College counseling centers across the nation are concerned with the growing amount of psychological issues that they are seeing students enter college with, due to helicopter parenting. 

Out of 100,000 college students who were freshman in a recent finding, the following percentages found themselves facing the following difficulties:

• Over 3/4 felt overwhelmed by responsibilities
• Over 60% felt quite sad
• Almost 60% felt lonely
• Over 50% felt anxious
• 14-17% of the millennial generation is stressed 

What has happened? What has changed?

There seems to be a huge paradigm shift in what parenting is and looks like from the time I was being raised and the parents of today. This includes my age bracket of parents who now have adult children. 

As I think back over my childhood and the involvement of my family of origin in the realm of schooling, it’s interesting to note that their lack of concern and guidance became the freedom for me to choose my own path. In an odd way, it was a curse and a blessing. They had their own life challenges which didn’t leave room for nurturance or guidance in this specific area. If you have read my book, you will have a greater understanding in what occurred in my own life and why this occurred. 

I would like to focus on three points:

1. A scriptural basis for this podcast
2. What is helicopter parenting?
3. What changes can you make if you feel as though you fall into this category?

Scriptural Basis

Proverbs 22:6

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

This is most likely a familiar passage you have heard numerous times. But let’s dissect it.

This is a proverb, not a promise. Many tend to think on this verse as it relates to outcome, but I would like to emphasize that this verse is a mandate for parents’ responsibility.

What does “train” imply in the Hebrew text? One commentary I read suggests that it refers to the physical, intellectual, spiritual, and social aspects.  

What would this look like practically?

A. Physically: As parents, we are responsible for our child’s safety and health. 

B.   Spiritually: As parents, we are responsible for teaching according to our worldview, hopefully a Christian one. If so, this should be the hub in the wheel off from which all other aspects of parenting disperse. Practically speaking, that means using everyday occurrences to teach biblical principles and values with each encounter and circumstance.

C.  Emotionally/Mentally: As parents, we are responsible for helping our children gain a sense of confidence for who they are and what they do.

Practically speaking, there is much trial and error in discovering where they excel and what they are passionate about.

This also means allowing your children to navigate life disappointments that come their way while they are still living with you.

• Allow them to make a bad grade.
• Allow them to not make the team.
• Allow them to cope with any kind of disappointment – especially in middle and high school – so you can assist them in knowing how to deal with life when it doesn’t go their way.

As a life coach, I believe that part of “training” a child is also to discover where their strengths and passions lie. 

• Allow them the opportunity to discover what they like. Is it sports? Is it art? Is it music? Is it science?

In summary, as a parent, it is your responsibility to be a student of your child. This requires the following:

1. You will not live vicariously through them. 

       Perhaps you didn’t make the sports team, so now you want to be sure 

       do.

       Perhaps you didn’t do that well in school, so now you are hard on them 

       to excel.

       

2.    You will allow them to discover their own way.

       This means you will give them opportunities to see if interest, passions,

       and talents exist in a given area(s).

3.     You will be intentional in developing their uniqueness and individuality.

Helicopter Parenting

Let’s shift now to helicopter parenting. What exactly does that mean?

One definition implies a hyper-involvement in a child’s life.

One a scale of 1 to 5, where would your score fall, with 1 being not involved at all with 5 being over involved?

Helicopter parenting looks different depending on the age of the child. Regardless of age of child or you as their parent, ponder these questions:

1. Are your actions today helping in the moment or are they preparing your child for the long-term?

2. What are you scared of? Seriously. If they “fail”, what would it look like? Play out the scenario of what you think that failure looks like?

[Ex. when child was entering college/ discussion board for students and parents]

3. Are you looking to your children as a sense of your own accomplishment and/or purpose?

4. Here’s a hard question: Are you looking to your child as your own identity? Your own sense of worth and value?

This can be problematic for your children who are making great choices (pride), and those who make choice that aren’t the best (despair).

God doesn’t want your identity to settle in on either child! Remember that your worth isn’t in the outcomes of who your children are. Your worth and value come from HIM alone!

5.    How can you teach them to deal with disappointment? First and foremost, allow them to be disappointed! Don’t rescue or blame for the outcomes you aren’t happy with or don’t like. This includes a grade, conflict with a peer, or a sports placement. 

Are you teaching them to deal with these things – as you should! – or are you jumping in to rescue?

6.    What would taking a step back – especially academically – look like?

7.    How can you teach them responsibility and ownership now which, in turn, will benefit them

when they are on their own?

The challenge is that we want a perfect world for our child to shield them rather than making them secure in their abilities. When you give freedom for them to explore, you are creating a less anxious child! This, in turn, provides the stepping stone for confidence in their psychological growth and wellbeing. 

Action Plan as a Parent

In your opinion, which area of your child’s life would you honestly admit you are overly involved? List them. Look honestly at the categories.

What would it look like, practically and daily, to take a step back to let your child deal with their own challenges? What small step can you take today to release the hold over their own responsibilities? 

Can you list a current challenge, obstacle, conflict that your child is now facing? Instead of rescuing them from this, how can you help them navigate what or who they are currently dealing with?

What would it look like to allow your child to make age appropriate decisions in their own life?

How can you teach your child good communication skills to help them resolve their interpersonal conflicts with peers as well as with teachers and other authority figures in their life?

Remember: If you are parenting from a Christian worldview, your children aren’t yours. Handing your children over to God is a life-long process, regardless of their age! There will always be an opportunity for you to tell, mandate, or expect them to live and act a certain way. 

The exception for them as adults is if you feel they are making choices that could or do potentially involve danger to self or others.

If a particular challenge is too big for you to handle, there are many resources for objective guidance and professional intervention.

Goal as a parent: for you to emotionally attach to your child. You need to be the parent who provides a safe and secure place for them to come. You need to show yourself trustworthy. Most of all, they need to know they are loved and accepted for WHO THEY ARE, NOT WHAT THEY DO. 

Keep the perceptions in the forefront of your own mind for how they “see” you parenting? Are you upset for any grade less than an A? Are you demeaning if they don’t play well in a sport? What do you say? What is the message you are sending them?

Take any necessary steps today to become the better parent, not the perfect parent. Allow the Holy Spirit to show the growth areas in your life.

Until next time, this is Shirene Gentry with the Identity Unveiled podcast.